To My Co-Worker with the Rolling Bag

Where are you going?

Is there some part of our office building that’s much further away than I realized? Is it only accessible by Dallas-Fort Worth? I’m only curious because we all work on the same floor.

I mean, I understand the need to take work home sometimes. And I know how heavy a laptop can be. Believe me, a briefcase or shoulder bag can be very uncomfortable to lug around. So the natural question is: Do you take it on long walks around the parking lot? If not, you might want to consider alternatives. Personally, I’ve solved this issue by using a backpack. It’s easy to carry and allows me to leave behind the shame.

My curiosity’s probably inappropriate. You might be in the first phases of a class-action lawsuit. You may enjoy laundering office supplies, and think no one would notice if you did it with a cutecase. Perhaps you use your bag to hold workout gear that you intend to use at a certain point in the future, after you’ve strengthened your pulling muscles. Or perhaps, like the Spaniards, your lunch consists of browsing on a large array of cold soups and cured meats, requiring you to transport significant amounts of interlocking Tupperware and a few small desk-sized picnic blankets. Honestly, I don’t know. I’m sure it’s none of my business, but I can’t help thinking: maybe you’re a flight attendant?

I understand we all have our strange tics and annoying habits. For example, I try not to make fun of the indoor rain barrel you drink from. You restrain yourself from asking about my crouching desk. And we both laugh at the boss’s activity necklace. Working with each other every day, we have to get along. I’m just concerned that you haven’t packed enough for when you’re planning to leave town in a hurry.

I realize I’m being a bit judgmental. You might use public transportation and not like anyone standing behind you on escalators. You might take the company bus, and hate to see the storage area go empty. I wonder about that, though, because our office is in Davenport, and we have eight employees. You can understand that I’d conclude you parked your car at your house.

So I’ll just assume that you had back surgery recently or a shoulder procedure done on both shoulders. That would explain your decision to exert the minimum possible effort on carrying the maximum amount of unnecessary items. I won’t ask you about it anymore, and I’ll give you plenty of time to negotiate the double doors. However, I do have one question left, and I hope you don’t think it’s too presumptuous: can I strangle you with your neck pillow?